Grief
by BitterSweetEnd
Summary: "We postpone the finality of heartbreak by clinging to hope. Though this might be acceptable during early or transitional stages of grief, ultimately it is no way to live. We need both hands free to embrace life and accept love, and that's impossible if one hand has a death grip on the past." - Kristin Armstrong
1. Denial

"OOOOOOH!" Mordecai dropped his controller and raised his hands above his head as he once again beat Rigby at the video game they've been playing for nearly two hours now.

Rigby groaned and leaned back against the couch also dropping his controller. "Man, I'm done with this game."

"Yah, I know, because you're a loser." Mordecai chuckled and set his feet off the table to reach for his soda, which happened to be the last one. Rigby rolled his eyes at how happy he looked, he gets way to excited when he beats him nonstop. He also knew how upset he'd be if he finally beat him. He really wished he could, but he just wasn't that good at video games. Not that he'll ever admit that.

"Whatever man."

"You two! What are you doing? I told you guys to do the dishes!" Their boss Benson walked down the stairs and saw them, once again, slacking off. He started to turn red when he saw Rigby groan and complain. " Go do the dishes now, or your FIRED!"

With another groan Rigby got up, and followed Mordecai into the kitchen. He lazily swung his arms from side to side with every step mumbling complaints. Benson rolled his eyes and stomped back upstairs. When Rigby was sure he was out of earshot he turned to Mordecai grinning. "Let's go to the coffee shop!"

"No dude. Let's just get these dishes over with." Rigby groaned again at that. "Laaaaame!"

"I don't care if its lame. Come on, its better to just get it over with now rather than later."

"I guess… Can we at least have some cereal first?."

"Hmm… Okay. I'm sure Benson won't mind if we at least eat first." Mordecai nodded and opened the cabinet where the cereals are and picked out Captain Crunch, and then got two bowls and spoons. Rigby enthusiastically grabbed the milk out of the fridge and slammed it on the table. "Dude, be careful!"

They sat down and started eating after they made their bowls, Rigby had accidentally put too much milk in his and it would nearly spill every time he put his spoon in.

"You know what Mordecai? We need our own car."

"Yah we do. Benson doesn't let us take the cart wherever we want, we normally just have to take it without asking… But let's be realistic. We aren't good at saving money. We basically spend it all the day we earn it!" Mordecai smiled and chuckled.

"Yah, I know… Seriously though, I've always wanted a corvette! They may be small but they are so fast and cool!" Rigby smiled longingly and could only imagine how cool everyone would think he was if he had one.

"And expensive."

"Oh come on! Wouldn't it be cool?"

"Well yah, but knowing us it won't ever happen."

"One day, I will have a corvette. That's my goal, before I die I will have one. You'll see. I'll start saving my money starting next pay check." Rigby smiled and nodded determined.

Mordecai just chuckled. "Okay dude. Good luck with that."

When they were done with their cereal they had multiple staring contests, most of them Mordecai won, until Rigby blew into his eyes to make him blink. Rigby cracked up laughing until he received a punch in the arm, though he still thought it was worth it.

"Mordecai! I need you to go run an errand for me!" They both tensed up when they heard Benson's voice. Mordecai jumped up and ran to the sink and started to wash the dishes.

"Uhh sorry Benson we're not quite done yet!" Mordecai was actually relieved to have to do the dishes. It was way too hot outside and he really didn't feel like 'running an errand.' Benson walked in to see there were still a lot of dishes on the counters. "Arrggh! You're still not done!? Were you slacking off again!?"

"Uh there was no hot water!" Mordecai lied.

"Sure there wasn't. Just finish these up Mordecai. Rigby, I need you to pick up some more soda from the store." He tossed him the keys, which Rigby couldn't catch and they fell on the floor.

"What? Why do I have to go!?" Rigby pouted as he bent over to pick them up.

"Everyone else is busy, and the last time I had you do dishes alone you broke nearly all of them."

"Oh yah? What if I wreck the cart again?" He grinned.

"If you do that on purpose then I won't let you use it ever again. EVER. Now get going, or your fired!" Benson stomped off again indicating the argument was over.

"Ugggh!" Rigby groaned. "This is laaaame!"

"Haha sucker." Mordecai teased.

Rigby shot him a devious smile. "Oh don't worry, I'll get you back for this."

"Uh huh. Sure."

Rigby walked backwards out of the kitchen smiling and squinting at Mordecai the whole time. "Oh, my revenge is inevitable. I know where you sleep. I also know where Benson keeps his permanent markers."

Mordecai just rolled his eyes holding back a laugh and turned back around to finish washing the dishes.

* * *

><p>Rigby stepped outside in the humid, hot air. There was barely even any wind much to Rigby's dismay.<p>

_UGH! Its way to hot! _

He started dragging his feet to the cart and got in and sighed putting his hands on the wheel but then couldn't help but smile. He didn't drive much, it was usually Mordecai so he supposed this was a plus in having to be the one to go. Its true, he wanted an actual car of his own but this cart held a lot of precious memories. Him, Mordecai, and everyone else has been through so much with it. Rigby wasn't one known to show sappy feelings but he wouldn't trade this cart for the world. It would still be nice to have a car to himself though for when Benson refuses to let them borrow it. Plus it'd help pick up chicks. Rigby chuckled at that last thought as he put the key in the ignition and drove off.

The roads were packed today, Rigby hadn't seen so many cars in a while. He stopped when he reached a stoplight that turned red. He yawned as he watched the cars go by. Stoplights always seemed to take forever, this has always annoyed him.

Finally, after what seemed like years to Rigby, the light turned green and he and the vehicles beside him started to go again.

_BANG!_

Rigby whipped his head to his left in panic to see that a huge truck hadn't stopped when it's lights turned red. It rammed into the car next to him and was rapidly approaching him.

"AHHH!" Rigby could do nothing, the vehicles hit him, the cart didn't have any doors or windows, on impact Rigby was thrown out of the cart and into the other vehicle. Rigby screamed as he felt the glass break, as well as his ribs. The car then flipped over, on top of him causing him to cry out in pain again.

Rigby tried to control his breathing. He was trapped, and couldn't move. He tried to adjust his position but pain shot through his ribs and legs. "AHHH! Oh God!"

His eyes started to blur, he saw blood under him causing him to hyperventilate. He noticed his phone had fallen out and was lying right next to his only arm that wasn't trapped. He tried raising his arm to grab it, the pain was actually starting to go away, but so was the strength in his arm. He was starting to lose sense of where his arm even was. This caused him to panic even more. Somehow, he managed to grab his phone. He tried to dial Mordecai's number but he was losing consciousness. His vision was starting to darken, he couldn't even hear the screams of pain from other people around him anymore, unable to hold it up anymore he dropped his phone, not able to dial his friends number.

…_I cant… _

Giving up, Rigby dropped his arm and let himself fade away into the darkness.

* * *

><p>Mordecai had finished the dishes and was now sitting on the couch bored out of his mind. He wondered why the hell Rigby wasn't back by now, Its been an hour! Plus, he could really use a soda right now.<p>

"UGH! He better not have went off somewhere else!" He heard Benson yell. He turned to see the gumball machine pacing back and forth.

"Yah! That loser better get back here with our soda!" Muscleman said crossing his arms.

Mordecai just rolled his eyes, normally he'd defend his friend, but he _was _taking forever and he really wanted another soda himself as well. He turned away from the others, grabbed the remote and turned on the television.

After another half an hour Benson couldn't take it anymore. "Forget it! I'll just go buy it myself."

He went upstairs to grab his keys and then came back down and started to walk out the door. As he opened the door, the park phone rang.

"Mordecai, can you get that?" He said as he turned around but saw that he was too engrossed in the TV to hear him. Annoyed, Benson shut the door and answered the phone.

Mordecai was glued to the TV, it was a horror film about a zombie apocalypse. His favorite character was surrounded by zombies, after he had shot his gun to distract them from eating his best friend, who had previously been the one cornered. And of course, this is when it went to commercial. He groaned loudly, he hated commercials more than anything!

"…_What!?_" Mordecai heard Benson say urgently. The way he said it caught Mordecai's attention. He turned over to look at him, and saw his back turned to him with the phone to his ear. "We can't come over? Why not!?"

Mordecai raised an eyebrow. He sounded angry, and also in panic. What the hell is going on?

"But! I… Ok… I understand... Bye…" He hung up the phone and Mordecai hopped up off the couch and quickly walked over to him. "Hey, what's going on?"

Benson turned around and just stared at him. Mordecai just looked at him questioningly. He then simply sighed and Mordecai started to look concerned when Benson turned away from him.

"Everyone! Get in here, NOW!" Now Mordecai was really worried. He watched as Pops, Muscleman, High Five Ghost, and Thomas walked down the stairs also looking concerned. Benson looked at them and sighed again before pulling out his walkie talkie. "Skips, I need you to get over here, _now_."

After Skips said he'd be over right away Mordecai couldn't stand not knowing anymore. "Come on Benson! Tell us what's up!"

Benson slowly looked up at him and shook his head. "No. We are going to wait for Skips."

Annoyed, Mordecai turned around to see the commercial was over, but he no longer cared what happens in the movie at the moment so he walked over to the TV and turned it off. Something bad happened. He _knows _something bad happened. The way Benson was acting proved that.

"What about Rigby? Are we going to wait for him?" He asked when the thought occurred. Benson didn't even acknowledge him. He refused to talk to anyone, he realized. Muscleman was attempting to get his attention but Benson stayed where he was, looking out the window waiting for Skips.

Finally, Skips arrived and Benson let him in. "Now will you tell us what's going on?" Mordecai asked trying to hide his impatience.

Benson opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. "Come on Benson what is it? If you found out one of us did something bad, it wasn't me!" Muscleman made a struggled smile trying to lighten the tension in the room.

"… Rigby was in a car accident."

Silence.

Mordecai felt as if his heart stopped. This can't be true.

"He's in intensive care so we can't visit. They said it doesn't look good."

"So he's alive? Phew! You scared me for a second Benson! This is Rigby we're talking about! He'll be fine!" Mordecai said quickly with a big smile on his face. The others slowly looks at him with sad looks on their faces.

"Mordecai…"

"He'll be fine! Everything will be fine! We'll visit him tomorrow and he'll be awake and on the road to a full recovery. He'll be fine! He'll be fine!" Mordecai continued to say quickly and laughed the whole time. "Geez Benson, don't give us a heart attack like that!"

Still laughing Mordecai walked to the door and opened it. "I'm ganna go get a get well soon card for us to sign." He said with a bright smiled and close the door behind him. The others watched from the window as he cheerfully whistled as he walked his way out of the park.

"He can't really believe… How bad is it Benson?" Fives spoke up solemnly.

Benson swallowed. "I'm not going to lie guys… They said he probably isn't going to make it."

"Oh no bro…" Muscle man said quietly as Skips looked down tightening his eyes shut.

"You mean… Rigby is going to leave us?" Pops asked, the others looked at him, he seemed so close to tears, Thomas put a hand on his shoulder as an effort to console him. Benson couldn't say anything. He didn't want to give anyone false hope, so he looked away, unable to keep eye contact any longer.

"All we can do is hope for the best." Skips said quietly.

* * *

><p>"I'm baaaack!" Mordecai yelled happily as he walked back into the park house.<p>

"Boom!" He called as he threw an expensive looking get well card on the coffee table. "I already signed it so now you guys gatta!"

He threw Skips the pen first. He caught it and slowly picked up the card and signed it. He passed it onto the others, who did the same. Mordecai gave them confused looks.

"Why do you guys look so down in the dumps? Rigby will be fine! You'll see!" He said merrily. The others said nothing.

A few hours passed consisting of them all taking turns playing Mordecai's games with him. They knew that he'd need them now more than ever. Mordecai still looked so happy, seeming oblivious to the fact that the whole park has never played video games with him before. He acted as if it was like this every day. He even seemed oblivious about everyone letting him win even when they had an opportunity too.

Benson's blood ran cold when the park phone rang again.

"I'll get it!" Mordecai jumped up and ran to the phone.

"Mordecai wait!"

"Helloooo?" He said in a jolly tone when he picked it up and brought it to his ear.

Benson stood up but didn't move from his spot, followed by the others. They watched as Mordecai, still smiling nod a couple times, even though the person on the other side wouldn't know if he was or not, and then they watched the smile slowly falter.

"What do you mean he's gone? He's fine!"

_No… _

Benson heard the others behind him gasp. Mordecai was still smiling a little and even let out a cheerful laugh. "Mam, that's impossible. I'm sure he's fine. Hospitals are supposed to save people."

Benson watched helplessly as the smile on the blue jay's face slowly but surely diminished. "Check his pulse again, I'm sure you're mistaken."

"Mordecai…" Skips said slowly skipping up to him.

"Don't worry Skips, I'll take care of this." He said as he turned to wave the yeti away.

As he turned back around Skips put a hand on his shoulder. "That's enough Mordecai…"

"What?" Mordecai asked questioningly and turned back around to look at him.

"He's _gone_…"


	2. Anger

Mordecai was in his room, sitting on his bed with his head in his hands. Skips had taken the phone from him and was talking to the girl that he had previously been talking to. He stayed and listened for a minute, but Skips was just thanking them for doing the best they could and Mordecai couldn't take it anymore, so he walked upstairs to his room without a word.

_Rigby can't be gone…_

How would he cope without him? He's always been with him, he can't just up and leave him like that. He didn't even have the chance to say goodbye. Mordecai looked over at Rigby's trampoline, his dirty clothes were piled up on top of it and a lot was on the floor around it too. He felt a lump starting to form in his throat, so he quickly stood up and started pacing.

_He can't be gone, he can't be gone, he can't be gone…_

No matter how many times he told himself that, he knew the truth. Rigby was gone, and there was nothing he could do.

* * *

><p>Benson watched as Skips hung up the phone and turned back around towards them. "Where did Mordecai go?"<p>

"He went upstairs." Benson said looking towards the stairs with a glazed look in his eyes.

"Should we go talk to him?" Pops asked, tears still threatening to fall from his own.

"No. Let's give him some room for tonight." Skips said simply and skipped up to Pops and put an arm around his shoulder. Pops then wrapped his own arms around him and cried in his shoulder.

Benson sighed as he watched Skips attempt to console him. He looked outside the window, it was late and he was sure everyone was tired.

"Everyone go and get some rest. It's been a long day." He said. Everyone looked over to him and reluctantly nodded. After they all said goodnight to each other they dispersed, Pops went to his room and everyone else but Benson went to their own homes. Benson walked upstairs to his office. Despite these awful events, he still had paper work he needed to finish. Work still had to be done, he needed to be strong. They all did. It wasn't like he'd be able to sleep anyway. To be honest, he didn't think anyone would.

The next morning Benson woke up and almost screamed before he caught himself. Panting heavily, he immediately pulled his covers off him and got out of bed. After he was done with the paper work, he had driven back to his apartment and somehow, he had managed to fall asleep. But now he really wished he hadn't. He just had probably one of the worst dreams that he's ever had in his entire life. He remembered he was driving his car with everyone, and they all seemed to be having a great time… except for Rigby.

He was driving recklessly and going way over the speed limit. For some reason he had no fear, no one but Rigby did actually. Rigby was screaming for him to slow down, but it was like nobody could hear him. They were just smiling, laughing, and talking to each other while listening to the radio. Everyone ignored Rigby, It was as if he didn't even exist. Benson ignored stop signs and stop lights, yet no one seemed to notice the honking, the traffic jams, and even wrecks that he was causing. The louder the screams of fear from Rigby, and the screams of pain and grief on the outside, made the music and the rest of the crew's laughs that much louder.

Suddenly, they lost complete control over the car. Rigby was so scared that he was crying now, and wasn't even able to scream anymore. The rest of the park crew weren't even talking anymore. Only laughing… almost hysterically. The car veered off the road, and started rapidly rolling down a hill, which at the bottom was a ledge. They were heading for the lake, and there was no escaping it. Rigby covered his face as the car flew off the ledge. Everyone but Rigby raised their arms up in the air still laughing, as if all this was, was an extreme roller coaster, as if it was all… just fun and games. The car fell into the water, and it slowly started to sink to the bottom. The car started to fill up with water, and the others were still just… laughing. Rigby tried to keep to the top of the car for as long as he could before the water filled it completely. The other were splashing around, seemingly having the time of their lives. Soon, the car was completely filled, and Rigby started banging the windows in panic.

Somehow, the others could still laugh under water… they all finally acknowledged Rigby and they slowly raised their arms to point at him as they continued to laugh. Rigby couldn't hold his breath any longer. He finally sucked in, and water immediately filled his lungs. He kicked and struggled hysterically and reached out to them, his eyes pleading. But the others didn't make any move to help their dear friend. They remained there. Pointing… Laughing… They watched as he slowly stopped struggling, and the life slowly disappeared from his eyes.

Benson was sweating and trying to control his breathing as best he could when he recalled his horrid dream. There was no way in hell they'd do that to Rigby! Why did he have to have a dream like that!

Benson shook his head and decided to just forget about it. He couldn't control his dreams and it's not like he can change them. He stepped out of his room and walked to his kitchen. He started to brew himself some coffee, hoping it would wake him up a bit. As he waited he grabbed a cup from the cupboard and sat in his chair by his dining table. He looked down and sighed. He really didn't want to work today, but of course, he had to. He knew everyone was having a hard time. Their work ethic weren't going to be that great for a while. He knew he needed to work harder now more than ever. When his coffee was ready, he poured some in his cup before sitting back down to drink it. He knew Mordecai probably wasn't going to be able to work today… Probably even a week.

After finishing his cup, he stood up and put it in the sink. He then turned and walked out of the kitchen, and to his bathroom to take a shower.

After he was fully ready, he grabbed his keys and walked out his door and got in his car. As he drove to the park he couldn't help but feel paranoid. Rigby had _died _yesterday from a car accident. Who's to say the same wouldn't happen to him? Benson wasn't a reckless driver, he was normally very vigilant and cautious, but he couldn't help but feel a sense of impending doom. He knew this was normal since someone he cared about had just died, but he still double checked every side of him, even behind him after every 30 seconds.

He sighed in relief when he finally got to the park. He turned his ignition off, stepped out of his car, and walked inside. When he turned the light on and walked in the living room he immediately froze and dropped his keys. He saw Mordecai standing there, aggressively ripping apart the get well card he had bought for Rigby.

"…Mordecai." He said in a low tone, trying to get the blue jays attention without startling him. He seemed to not have heard him, and continued to rip the card to shreds.

"Mordecai!" He said, raising his voice. It was not out of anger, it was simply to get his attention. But still, the avian paid him no heed.

Giving up, Benson ran up to him and grabbed his shoulders from behind. "Mordecai! Calm down!"

Mordecai whipped around and pushed him away with all his might. Benson fell on his back and he grunted in pain. His head flew up to look at Mordecai in shock.

_He _pushed_ me._

He was about to scream at him before he saw Mordecai's face, which looked probably even more surprised than his own.

"Benson! I'm so sorry! I don't know what came over me." He bent down and offered his wing out to him, which he grabbed and let the bird help him stand back up.

"… Forget about it, I guess." He knew he couldn't be too hard on him, and he didn't really feel like yelling anyway. He noticed Mordecai's eyes were blood shot. He probably didn't get any sleep, which wasn't surprising to Benson.

Mordecai didn't say anything else. He just picked up the shredded pieces of the card off the floor and the coffee table before dumping them in the trash. Then he turned back around and walked upstairs without a word, not even glancing back at Benson.

* * *

><p>Mordecai kicked his door open and slammed it shut, though he tried to not make it so loud as for Benson to hear. He jumped on his bed and screamed in his pillow. He really didn't know what came over him, he couldn't get any sleep because his thoughts were filled with Rigby. He couldn't stop himself from thinking that Rigby had abandoned him. He felt alone and helpless, he felt as if there was no point in staying around without Rigby there. What was he without him? He was rarely even seen without him, most people would probably agree that they complete each other. Nothing would be the same now.<p>

In order to stop feeling all this self-pity, he had aimed the blame towards Rigby. He changed his feelings of self-pity to resentment. Why did he have to go and die in a car wreck! He should've been more careful! He should've known better.

He hadn't planned on ripping the card. He had started pacing and ended up downstairs, in front of the coffee table where he left it. He was so caught up with the thought that Rigby had the _audacity _to do this to him, he hadn't even noticed when picked the card up and opened it. Everyone's names were in there. In the card it read;

**Your hurt right now, but don't worry, everything is going to be just fine. GET WELL SOON!**

Everything wasn't fine.

Without thinking, he just started ripping it apart. He hadn't noticed when Benson walked in, or when he called his name. He was startled when he grabbed his shoulders, but he recognized who he was pretty quickly. He had pushed him knowing it was Benson.

Mordecai just laid there for a while before realizing he was hungry. He got off his bed and stepped outside of his room. He walked down the hall and down the stairs. He didn't see anyone downstairs so he opened the front door to see if anyone was out there. His stomach twisted when he saw everyone was _working_. He saw Muscleman was trimming the hedges with High Fives, and Skips was repairing a bench that the wood had finally given out due to being so old. He suspected the others were at their usual posts.

_How can they work at a time like this!?_

Had nothing changed to them? Was Rigby really something they could let go of so easily!? That ticked him off. He almost confronted the three he saw working, he had raised one hand to the side of his beak to call them out, but he decided he didn't even want to see their faces right now, so he walked back in the house and slammed the door.

_Despicable._

Mordecai had lost his appetite. Forgetting his previous hunger, he kicked the front door as hard as he could, disgusted at his friends, and then he stomped up the stair and back to his room.

* * *

><p>Benson stepped out of the bathroom and yawned as he started to walk back to his office. He had talked to the others and told them they could take a few days off, but Skips refused, and told him he would work over time for the ones who needed time off. Benson was about to say no when High Fives said he couldn't let Skips do that alone, and offered to help. Everyone else but Muscleman agreed with Fives and offered to help as well, which brought a smile to Benson's lips. Muscleman was not one to get all mushy, so he called everyone 'ladies' for being so sappy, but he said he would stay and help as well in the end. Benson was so proud of them, he knew they were doing this for Mordecai. He couldn't help but have a smile on his face.<p>

Benson noticed Mordecai stomping up the stairs. "Wow, hey Mordecai are you alright?"

Mordecai whipped his head sideways to look at him. Benson frowned when he saw he was glaring daggers into him. He was about to ask what his problem was but he quickly stomped away to his room and slammed the door behind him.

Benson decided to put it behind him for now, so he walked passed Mordecai's door and back to his office.

Two weeks passed, and Mordecai hadn't started working again. He hadn't even talked to anyone. He rarely left his room, and if he happened to bump into someone when he did, he would just glare at them as if they told him he looked like a wet mop. Which to be honest, he kind of did. He had stopped showering or doing anything to take care of his hygiene. Benson was getting tired of it, and today he was going to get to the bottom of it. Mordecai really needed to start working again, and put his life back on track.

He walked to his door and knocked on it. As expected, there was no answer. He grabbed the doorknob and let himself in. "Mordecai?"

He looked towards his bed and saw him laying there, refusing to look at him. Benson decided to be straight forward. "You really need to start working again. Look at yourself."

To his surprise, Mordecai quickly sat up and whipped around to face him, and finally spilled out everything that has been bottled up these past couple weeks. "How can you move on so easily after Rigby _died? _He's not coming back, and you guys don't seem fazed about it at all! The very next day you all started working like normal as if nothing's happened!"

"Wha- Seriously? We started working overtime so _you_ could have time off!" Benson was suddenly so angry that Mordecai would think they simply just 'forgot' about him. After all the time they had known each other, he should know them better than that.

But Mordecai wouldn't have it. He hopped off his bed and looked at Benson straight in the eye. "I don't want to hear it! It's your fault Rigby's dead!"

"_What?"_

"Yah, you heard me! I thought it was Rigby's own fault at first but no. If you had waited until I was done with the dishes, I would've been there to look out for him! But oh no! All you cared about was your stupid soda! You didn't even think about Rigby's safety!"

That made Benson snap. "Excuse me!? If you had done the dishes when I told you to, _then_ you would've been there! If you're going to blame _anyone, _blame yourself!"

Suddenly, Mordecai barreled himself into him. They landed on the floor and Mordecai had him pinned. He sat up and then raised a fist before bringing it back down hard on his face. He punched him again and again, each one harder than the last. Hearing the commotion, Skips skipped upstairs and into Mordecai's room. His mouth dropped when he saw the sight before him, Benson was helplessly trying to fight back and Mordecai relentlessly punched his face with such force that Skips knew they'd have to take Benson to the hospital. He skipped as fast as he could to Mordecai and grabbed him before firmly pinning him against the wall. "What the hell Mordecai!"

Mordecai glared back at him. "He deserved it."

Benson's vision was blurry. He raised his hands to his head and felt a few crack in it. He groaned, but it was barely audible.

"What's the matter with you!?" Skips questioned, glaring into Mordecai's eyes. He received no reply, much to Skips annoyance. He saw so much hostility in his eyes, he honestly looked like he wanted to slit his throat.

"You need to calm down Mordecai."

"_Make me."_


	3. Bargaining

Skips took a deep breath. Throughout all the years he's been alive, he has learned to control his anger the hard way. After Mona died, oh, dear Mona, controlling his anger was so difficult. But after so long he slowly realized anger was useless. Pointless. It doesn't make anything go your way in the end. Mona, and any of the other friends that he's lost over the years, weren't coming back either way. So he was not going to let himself be provoked by Mordecai.

Mordecai did not break eye contact with him. He held his gaze with the same cold glare. He meant his challenge, Skips knew that. He also knew he could hurt Mordecai real badly with just one punch. Possibly even kill him if he hit hard enough. But Skips had no intention of hurting the upset blue jay. Even if deep inside him he sort of wanted to. Instead he turned his head around to check on Benson. "Hey, are you okay?"

No response. Now worried, Skips hesitantly let go of Mordecai. When he didn't move, Skips turned around and knelt down by Benson's side. He put a hand on his shoulder before asking again, "Benson, are you okay?"

He had passed out. He looked like he needed medical attention and fast. He gently wrapped his arms around the gumball machine and carefully set him upon his shoulders. Not able to stop himself, he turned back around and once again faced Mordecai and looked him dead in the eye.

"Do you even realize what you could've done Mordecai?" He asked bitterly. Skips searched for some kind of emotion in his eyes. Regret, remorse, compassion, anything. Even apathy or annoyance if nothing else! But he gave him no reaction, and his expression was empty. His hands were still balled up into fists, but at least he didn't try to swing at them.

Not wanting to look at the blue jay any longer he shook his head and skipped out of the room. He knew he needed to get out of there or he'd say something he'd regret. Outside of the room, he was met with the horrified face of Pops. "Why did he hurt Benson?"

Skips checked behind him to see if Mordecai was there. His door was still open, and he knew he was right by the door so he definitely heard Pop's question. But after waiting a few seconds, he didn't showed himself. Sighing, he turned back to Pops. "I don't know, but we need to get him to the hospital. Can we use your car?"

"Yes of course, I-" Pops widened his eyes when he noticed the cracks in Benson's head. "Oh… Bad show…"

Skips watched as Pops set his small hand on Benson's head. He looked worried, but also something else. Something that shattered the immortal's heart. Hopelessness. After losing Rigby, he probably didn't want to get his hopes up. If he did, and Benson didn't make it, then he'd be shot down. Another friend that he loved so dearly would have left him once again. If Benson didn't make it, Pops may lose hope in everything. Skips didn't want to give him potential false hope, but seeing his face, all the despair, agony, and lack of hope, he couldn't help it. "It'll be okay Pops… We just need to get him help, and fast."

Pops nodded in understanding and quickly ran downstairs and out the door. Skips followed as quickly as he could, but was also trying to be careful while holding Benson. He got in the back seat so he could keep an eye on him, he didn't want him to stop breathing and not know it. Pops was in the driver's seat, the car already running. When Skips made sure Benson was safely buckled, Pops quickly put the car into its flying gear, and flew to the nearest hospital.

* * *

><p>When they got to the hospital, Skips hurriedly unbuckled him and Benson and got out of the car with him once again on his shoulder. He rushed inside with Pops close behind.<p>

"Help! Our friend is hurt!" Skips heard Pops yell. There was a woman at the front desk who quickly looked up when she heard the urgency in his voice. Seeing Benson she recoiled slightly before calling more nurses. She got out from behind the desk and ran up to them. "What happened to him?"

Neither Skips nor Pops replied right away. They exchanged a glance before Skips turned back to her and quickly said, "He fell down the stairs."

It was an obvious lie. They hadn't thought of what they'd say when they got there, and as mad as Skips was at Mordecai, he didn't want him to get in trouble. The woman gave him a skeptical look, but said nothing. More nurses came with a stretcher, and Skips helped lay Benson on it. As he watched them take him away, it suddenly occurred to him that he should call the others.

"Pops, call Thomas and tell him what's happened. I'll call Muscle Man and Fives."

Pops nodded and immediately took out his phone while Skips did the same. Benson had bought him a phone a while back, even though he insisted that he didn't do technology very well. He did eventually manage to figure out how to call though. Texting and getting on the internet however, is an entirely different story. He dialed Muscle Man's phone number and sat in one of the chairs as it rung.

"What is it Skips? Me and Fives are busy." He heard his voice over the receiver. Good. As he expected, Fives was with him. As for them being 'busy', he knew they were probably goofing off or something. They actually sounded like they were having a good time. Skips sighed. He didn't want to ruin their day but he had no choice but to tell them. If he didn't, they'd be furious when they _did_ find out.

* * *

><p>Mordecai was pacing in his room, the rage he had felt still had not vanished. He wanted to break something, but he had already broken most of the things in his room. Everything breakable was now sitting on his floor, shattered to pieces. He had picked up his pillows and shredded them. He had repeatedly punched his window until it finally gave out and shattered. Blood was still trickling off his fist, spilling on his carpet. He let out a frustrated yell before punching the wall with his bloodied hand.<p>

_How _dare _Benson say that! He had no right! I hope he dies!_

He relaxed his aching arm as he let what he had just thought sink in.

_How could I think that? Is this really what I've become?_

He shook the thought away. He wasn't ready to forgive him just yet. Besides, he'll be fine, he just roughed him up a bit. He was going to come back and scream at him like he always does, and eventually they'd forgive each other. But not now.

He looked down at his fist, most likely fractured, covered in the crimson liquid. It looked pretty bad, and didn't exactly feel too great either. He made his way to the bathroom and stood in front of the sink. He looked up at himself in the mirror and what he saw was a shell of someone he didn't even recognize anymore. He felt the fury come rushing back, and he lifted his bloody fist and slammed it on the mirror. He felt satisfaction, along with pain, as he watched it shatter along with his reflection. He let the adrenaline come and pass, and just stood there staring at the broken mirror, his broken reflection for minutes. When his breathing slowed down and returned to its normal pace, he looked down at the sink. After blinking a few times he turned the faucet on with his good hand. He put his other hand in the warm, rushing water and immediately brought it back with a wince.

_That stung like hell! … Of course it's going to sting Mordecai! Don't be a baby. This is nothing compared to what Rigby went through._

He peered closely at his hand and started picking out the shards of glass that had stuck in his hands. When he was sure he had gotten all of the slivers out of his hand he slowly put it back under the faucet.

It still stung and Mordecai had to grit his teeth, but he didn't bring it back this time. He watched the water mix with his blood and run down his feathers, drip in the sink, and disappear down the drain. After getting his blue plumes rid of the scarlet liquid, he opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed some bandages. He didn't bother with Neosporin or anything like that. He felt if it got infected, he deserved it.

When he finished wrapping his hand, he sat there on the toilet for what felt like hours. He stared at nothing in particular, but if someone walked by they may say he was staring at something with much concentration. After a while, he figured maybe he should call Skips and apologize. What he did _was_ pretty out of line.

_But so was Benson!_

He decided against it. Apologizing to Skips would be like apologizing to Benson, and he was not going to do that until he did. Is that childish? Maybe, but Mordecai honestly couldn't care less at that moment. He stood up and walked back to his room. It may have still been a bit early but was exhausted. He lied down in his bed and closed his eyes. He laid there for minutes but no matter how tired he was, his body refused to shut down for the night. Groaning in frustration, he rolled over and opened his eyes ever so slightly. He saw Rigby's trampoline of a bed. He hadn't touched it since that day, his clothes were still where they were then.

Mordecai swallowed. He was a terrible friend to Rigby. He was always there for him. He helped him with his relationship with Margaret. He always encouraged him and looked out for him. She ended up leaving him for college, but Rigby was there and helped him get through it. He also helped with Cj, which also didn't work out but he helped him during that time too. And what did Mordecai do? Nothing but take him for granted. He wished… He wished for a reset button. Who knows. Maybe he wouldn't be able to stop his death but… maybe he could be a real friend to him while he's alive.

… But it's too late for that.

Mordecai cringed and tried to swallow the familiar lump forming in his throat. He opened his eyes again and looked at the trampoline. Without a sound he crawled out of bed and walked over to it. He pushed aside Rigby's clothes and lay down on his uncomfortable 'bed' before setting them back on top of him.

_Ugh, still smells like him. _Nasty. Disgusting. But familiar. And somehow comforting. Mordecai let the awful aroma of his best friend lull him to sleep.

* * *

><p>He woke up with a terrible back ache but he didn't care. He dragged himself off of Rigby's trampoline and stood up. He walked out of his room, went downstairs and saw no one was around. He searched the entire house to be sure of this and he was right. They still weren't back yet. For the first time, Mordecai started to worry about Benson. He wasn't going to stall anymore. He ran back upstairs and snatched his phone and dialed Skip's number. It went to voice mail and he brought his hands to his head and he groaned. He wasn't ignoring him was he?<p>

_Of course he is you idiot. He hates you now. They all do._

And he didn't blame them. He walked downstairs and laid on the couch. He didn't know how long he waited but after what seemed like forever he finally heard the doorknob to the front door turn. He stood up and watched as the familiar crew walked in. He looked for Benson, but Skips was the last to walk in and he closed the door behind him. He wasn't with them.

"… Where's Benson?"

Everyone locked eyes with him. He was relieved that their gazed wasn't unkind, but they weren't kind either.

"He's in a coma." Skips mumbled.

"Not that you care." Muscle Man added before also walking away. The others stood there for a moment before also walking off in their own directions aside from Skips. Mordecai was speechless. He didn't know what to say. He hadn't wanted this to happen! He opened his mouth to speak to Skips but he raised a hand up to silence him.

"I'm going back to the hospital to stay with him. Do you want to come?"

Mordecai widened his eyes in disbelief. Was he going to just play it off as if it wasn't his fault?

He thought about it for a moment, and decided he couldn't see Benson. He hadn't meant to hurt him this bad, but he still did. If he went to see him, the guilt would overwhelm him.

"No… you go ahead."

"What? Why?"

"Because it's my fault Skips! I killed him!" He wasn't able to keep himself from blurting it out.

"He isn't dead Mordecai." He watched as his face turned soft with… Pity? Sympathy? Both?

He couldn't stand the thought of being pitied and shook his head. He turned to walk away but stopped dead in his tracks when he heard what Skips had to say next.

"We have the cart back."

He turned back towards him. "…What?"

"Benson paid a lot of money and took it to the shop. It's back now. You don't have to come right now, but if you want you can meet me there." And with that, he threw him the keys and walked out the front door, not giving him a chance to reply.

The cart is back? He looked out the window and saw it. The cart that Rigby and him had fell in love with the moment they first drove it. The cart that they had wrecked too many times to count. The cart that they had spun countless donuts on. The cart that they had snuck off with nearly every single day. The cart… That Rigby died in. When he was sure Skips was gone he walked out and high tailed it to the cart and jumped in. He put his hands on the familiar leather of the wheel and slowly rubbed his hands along it. He slowly set his head on it and closed his eyes. The memories of him and Rigby were so strong here. All the crazy adventures they had, they always somehow managed to cheat death.

How could he be expected to live life like normal without Rigby? Nothing would ever be the same! Eve- Wait… Maybe he didn't have to...

_We always managed to cheat death…_

Death! Why had he not thought about this before! He had brought Rigby and Muscle Man back to life before! Why wouldn't he be able to do it again!? Mordecai felt hope well up inside him. He quickly started the ignition and sped off towards Death's house.

* * *

><p>When he got there, he saw Death and his wife walk outside with Thomas in his arms. He killed the engine to the cart and ran towards him. "Death! Death!"<p>

Death looked up in surprise. "What in the-"

"Death! Bring Rigby back! Please!" He begged when he reached them, heaving as he tried to catch his breath.

"Rigby? Ugh, can't you see I'm busy right now? We're leaving."

"No wait! Please! I'll baby sit Thomas!" Heck, to get Rigby back he'd live with the little devil if he had to!

"Look, it doesn't work that way. You guys had plenty chances to live. He aint comin' back this time." Death gave him a stern look as he said this, trying to get his point across.

"You've brought him back before! Please! I can't keep going like this!" He continued to beg. He was now on his knees, not even trying to hide how desperate he was.

"Honey… If we are late to this meeting..." Death's wife threatened through her teeth.

"D-Don't worry hun, we'll get there." He stammered before glaring at Mordecai. "Quit bugging us! There's nothing I can do."

Mordecai's heart sunk deep into his stomach. "What… about Benson?"

Death gave him a confused look. "Eh? He aint dead is he?"

"Well no… But he's in a coma."

At that Death bursted out laughing and started walking to his car leaving Mordecai, still on his knees, bewildered.

"It's not funny!"

Death's laughed got louder and they all gathered up in their car.

"I… will kill you." He threatened.

Death finally stopped laughing and he looked straight at Mordecai grinning. "You can't kill death birdie."

With that, he drove away. Furious, Mordecai screamed and starting throwing rocks at their car, but it was useless. They were too far away now. Mordecai gritted his teeth, his vision blurring. He raised his good hand and slammed it on the cement. Death had been his last hope.

**A/N: Hello guys, i'm just letting you know i may combine depression and acceptance into one chapter. I'm not entirely sure yet, but we'll see. Thank you all for the reviews so far and i hope you continue to enjoy this story.**


	4. Depression

Mordecai never went to see Benson that night. He had driven back to the park and sat in the cart for... minutes? Hours? He sure wasn't keeping an eye on the time. He felt as if everything was over now. His best friend was gone, and he had seriously hurt his boss. Benson did mean a lot to him, even if he didn't want to admit it. He had been by their side even when he didn't want to be. Was Mordecai there for them despite his own wishes? He didn't feel like he had. He took not only Rigby for granted, but Benson too.

A chilly breeze in the night air buffeted Mordecai's feathers and he felt himself shiver. He brought up his arms and rubbed his wings, trying to savor his body heat. After a few moments of being unsuccessful, he decided to just go inside. It was just too cold and it made him feel so alone. Mordecai had always hated the cold. The feeling was so... unwelcoming... lonely...

With another shiver, he got out of the cart and dragged himself to the front door. It took an effort just to climb the steps to their porch, and Mordecai just wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed. He grabbed the door knob and opened it before walking in. He was surprised to see Muscle Man and High Fives on the living room couch. They were just sitting there, looking vacantly at the television that wasn't even turned on. Mordecai thought it was strange, they never stay at the park late after their shifts. He saw sleeping bags on the floor next to the two, the blue jay guessed they decided to crash here for reasons he didn't know and was too tired to care at the moment. They looked almost as down in the dumps as he was. Maybe they were... who knows.

Hearing him enter, they slowly turned their heads and their eyes locked with his. "Oh hey, where've you been...? Skips said you didn't show up at the hospital."

It was Fives who spoke. The low, solemn tone that came out of the ghost's mouth sent chills up the avian's spine and he once again felt a lump form in his throat. He couldn't detect any hint of anger or bitterness that came out of Fives mouth and it made him feel sick. He searched his expression, looking for any hidden rage but he found nothing. He quickly swallowed the lump before quietly replying, "Don't you hate me?

Fives just blinked at him before he broke their eye contact and looked at the floor. "What's the point in that?"

Mordecai grimaced in confusion. _What does that mean?_

He looked at Muscle Man for an answer but his gaze held no explanation. "We're going to bed now bro, goodnight."

Perplexed, Mordecai watched them get off the couch and slowly crawl into their sleeping bags. He was also exhausted, and was dying for his own bed. He looked up at the staircase and scowled at the long climb; climbing it would be like climbing a mountain. He turned and switched the living room light off for Muscle Man and Fives before starting his tough task of getting to his bedroom. He latched onto the guard rails and hauled himself up, every step seeping out whatever energy he had left in him.

Finally reaching the top, Mordecai held his knees as he caught his breath. The hard part was over, so now he just had to walk to his room down the hall. He forced his body to move and when he finally got to his room he pushed the door open and let his body fall onto his bed. He closed his eyes and willed himself to fall asleep and never wake up, but sleep wouldn't come. He tossed and turned and laid there without success for what felt like an eternity. With a groan he opened his eyes and looked at Rigby's trampoline. He sat up in his bed and slowly stood before dragging his feet towards it. It was sad. Absolutely pitiful... To be so distraught over losing someone that you won't even be able to fall asleep without some kind of evidence that they existed. Even if it was their awful, revolting stench...

* * *

><p>Skips sat there in the hospital by Benson's bed the next morning. He was unable to sleep last night due to the uncomfortable chair he was sitting in and the fear of Benson dying as he slept. He heard the door open behind him and he turned to see Muscle Man and High Fives. "How is he?"<p>

Skips looked back at Benson and shrugged. "I really don't know."

_Skips_ didn't know. It killed him not knowing. Even knowing that his friend was doomed to die would be better in his eyes. Knowing made him feel as if he could be in control with his own emotions. He couldn't stand the thought of not being in control.

Everyone looked to him for answers when they were unsure of something. They counted on him. _Depended_ on him. But now even he doesn't know. He couldn't look at the two in the eye. He felt as though he had let them down.

Muscle Man and Fives just nodded in understanding and went to the other side of Benson's bed and looked down at him. He seemed to be sleeping peacefully, his muscles were relaxed in his face and there were no indication of bad dreams.

"I think Mordecai feels pretty bad." High Fives spoke up after a moment.

"I'm sure he does." Skips mumbled. He couldn't forget the hostility in the blue jay's eyes when he had stepped into his room and saw him ravenously beating Benson. But he also couldn't forget the amount of regret he saw when he told him he was in a coma.

"I can't understand why he did it though. He knows Rigby would never want this." Muscle Man exasperated with a mournful, frustrated sigh causing Skips and Fives to look at him with defeated expressions.

"I'm sure he didn't mean to put him in the hospital..." Fives whispered in Mordecai's defense.

"I know, I know... But seriously! I don't know what happened between them but he took it too far."

"He did." Skips agreed. "But lets not dwell on it too much."

Muscle Man sighed before reluctantly nodding. "I guess it's best not to."

After a few hours, Fives told Skips to go get some sleep and they'd stay with Benson. He accepted the offer appreciatively, but he didn't think his anxiety would allow him to sleep. Regardless, he went home and he immediately lied down on his couch, not wanting to take the extra steps to his bedroom. He doesn't know how, but he did manage to get some sleep, even if it was only a few hours. It was still only five p.m, he had nothing to do, and he couldn't fall back to sleep so he decided to go to the park house to check on Mordecai. He was a little worried for the blue jay, he must be a wreck.

He forced himself off his comfy couch and exited his house. He skipped to his car and got in before gunning the engine and heading towards his destination. When he made it there, he opened the door and stepped in. He turned on the light and looked around to noticed no one was in the living room and he couldn't hear anyone in the kitchen, so he skipped up the stairs and to Mordecai's door before knocking on it. "Mordecai? You in there?"

After waiting a moment with no reply he knocked a little louder. "Mordecai?"

Still getting no response he opened the door to let himself in, despite his better judgement. It was too dark to see, so he turned on the light before scanning the room. He saw him sprawled out on Rigby's trampoline, in what seemed to Skips to be a very uncomfortable position. But to his surprise, he seemed to be sleeping soundly. "Uhh... Mordecai?"

Finally, he saw the avian's eyes open slightly before immediately shutting them and recoiling due to the bright light. "Wha-" He shot Skips an irritated glare for disturbing his slumber. "Skips come on, turn off the light."

"Are you comfortable sleeping there? It sure doesn't look like it. Why not sleep in your bed?" Skips asked with concern.

"Just leave me be." Mordecai ordered flatly before covering his face with Rigby's clothing and turning away from him.

Skips blinked in confusion and opened his mouth to protest but he stopped himself. He decided to leave him alone, he didn't want to risk angering him again, he's had enough of that. It's not that he was scared of him, he could easily take on the skinny bird. But that doesn't mean he wanted to. He turned around and switched the light back off and left his room before shutting the door behind him.

* * *

><p>A week passed, and Benson still hasn't woken up. Skips, Muscle Man, Fives, and Pops took turns staying with him, they had tried getting Mordecai to come visit him but he was just too stubborn and it annoyed them greatly. He does care right? So why won't he go see him? Skips thought he knew the answer to that. He figured that Mordecai didn't want to see what he had done. Out of sight, out of mind. But it obviously wasn't working the way he probably wanted.<p>

Mordecai barely spoke to them nowadays, and he only left his room to go to the bathroom. When Skips went to his room to check on him, he was always on Rigby's trampoline. Skips had come to believe that he never leaves that 'bed' while he's shut up in his room. Mordecai still would not shower, or do anything that had to do with his hygiene. He wouldn't even come downstairs for dinner. It had gotten to the point where Skips had to bring his food up to him, or he wouldn't eat at all. When Skips tried to talk to him, he would just cover his head with the clothes that were piled on top of him and ignore him.

It was causing tension in all of them. None of them knew what to do for Mordecai, or themselves. It exhausted them, emotionally and physically. Their resolve to keep going was dwindling, and they were so close to just giving up the hope of Benson surviving, and making Mordecai feel better. They did try to cheer the poor guy up, but all offers of going out to eat or just hang out like they used to were either ignored or was shot down by a forceful no. They even asked if he wanted to go to the bar once, but he showed absolutely no interest. He wasn't even giving them a chance to try to help him, and now they were out of ideas.

Skips was now on his way to the hospital. It was his turn now, and he knew Fives was tired. When he got there and met him in Benson's room, he could see the bags under his eyes that probably mirrored his own. They didn't speak to each other, neither feeling like they had the strength to. they just struggled a smile at each other before Fives left the room, desperate to get home and into his bed.

Skips sat in the chair next to Benson. He looked down at him and he thought of the memories they had together. Memories were supposed to make you happy. they are supposed to make you smile because they remind you that that person was alive and well. And you knew them, they were _your_ friend. Just because they aren't there anymore doesn't mean they never existed. But it's hard to smile when there is a chance that that person could live. You don't want to get your hopes up, because that's when they die and you are let down feeling as if you can never hope again. Sometimes hope... is a terrible thing.

**A/N: So i decided on not combining the last two chapters together. That means one more! This one is a bit shorter than the others though and i'm not sure how long this last one will be. **

**Thanks for sticking around guys, i really appreciate you. I'm sorry I take so long on updating my stories, I've been really busy lately. Hopefully more will be out soon!**


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